Tonight the fear washes over me like the tide running suddenly in on the beach, far further than the previous surge. In the past 18 hours I have sold almost everything I own, including my bed, my bowls, my plates and glasses. I also signed away my bedroom – someone else will shortly live there. And in the next 12 hours my cat, my constant companion of the past 10 years, will live with someone else.
The total sum received for all the things I have collected over two decades of living in San Francisco equates to around 9 months of health insurance premiums. 10 days of earnings at my previous salary – 8 months at my new.
So many goodbyes have been happening for a month now, mostly silent as I walk down familiar streets. But today the woman who has cleaned my apartment each week or two for the past 15 years said goodbye and wished that I have a good life. It hit me hard.
As I sit here now, on the back deck of this wonderful apartment, sitting in my camping chair, I sit with the feels. With the fear. The yawning, stretching tension across my chest. The shaking in my arms. I welcome it, I acknowledge its beauty. And I recognize as I look out at the clouds piled in the sky, looking like giant friendly space ships, as the colors of the fading sunset turn grey, that the things I value are with me right here. The sunset, the feel of the outdoor energy which connects me to source, the love for all sentient beings that fiercely pervades every cell of my body.
Insurance premiums will rise, this body will grow older, I will get sick and die – these things are guaranteed. But as I sit and watch and feel, the earth turns and the moon rises. She mounts the sky swiftly in a steep arc. It is the Full Worm Moon, and it is the Equinox. Spring is here. The worms begin to crest the surface of the soil. Nature is waking from its winter nap. I am nature, and I too am awake after a long dark nap. It is time to go. To travel. And the things that are real travel with me.
I will watch the next full moon in a different place – a different state or country. I don’t know where that will be, but I know that I am loved, and that I love this world and everything in it. Yes even those that create the soul crushing health insurance premiums. To love is to be in direct flow of the natural energy all around us, that we are part of. It is to remember who and what we are. The builders of the moon, and the designers of the sound of rain. And we traveled here to find out did it work – what it sounds like, and what is it like to watch the moon and feel the feels. It worked beautifully.
I love you very much.